Thursday, May 28, 2009
Character Discription
At the start of practice, Sam Hartwick and the other members of the track team took their places in a circle and began to stretch. Bending down to touch her toes, Sam’s long toned legs ached with dull pain. Standing back up her slim athletic body seemed to ache all over with pain. Her nervous mind growing more and more anxious about what practice would bring today. She was tired of hearing the other girls on the team complain about the amount of running the workouts consisted of and was growing sick of them telling her to always slow down because she made them look bad while working out. Sam is one of Twedlevilles top track runners. Her freshmen year she came in and swept the meets by taking first place medals in all her sprinting events and led her team to a victory at the annual Finals Meet by taking first places in both the 200 meter dash and the 400 meter dash. Now her senior year, Sam is still sweeping meets but has never been able to grow past the nerves she encounters every night and day before a meet. The night before a meet, Sam has a hard time sleeping because she already grows nerves for the following days meet. She wants so badly to win all her races for her team. On the day the meet her nerves grow the point that her whole body is shaking with anxiety. Although her coach is well aware that her never overcome her the day of a meet he never seizes to tell her just how important her points are and how much the team needs her to win. With all the recognition Sam has received from doing so well in track and winning so many events, many would think this glory goes straight her head. But, it doesn’t to Sam. Sam is one of the only girls on her track team that lacks confidence in herself even though she’s done so well. She doesn’t think highly of herself and doesn’t like the spot light always being on her. In this way, Sam differs from her friends in that some of them actually brag about how well they do in other sports seasons and in other sports, Sam is sort of a follower and doesn’t get the recognition she does with track.
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You did a great job of describing her personality, attitude as well as her physical attributes. I have a real sense of who she is. Maybe you will explore why she is so nervous. I’m curious if she gets over it, and what she does to tame her nerves enough to actually compete. The only suggestion I have is to be careful that all your sentences are mechanically strong and grammatically correct. Reading each sentence by itself instead of running it all together helps me. I often change my sentence to say the same thing but I use better or more concise structure. You can also write it in word so you can check spelling etc. and then just copy/past it. Oh, don’t repeat the same thing either. I noticed that the first couple of sentences seem to say the same thing. You can combine them. Those are just a couple of tips that help me out. Hope they help. I’m looking forward to whatever story you choose.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mindy. I absolutely enjoyed getting to know your character - her appearance, personality and character are quite evident with your writing. I too was a little distracted though with some of the writing structure. Good luck and I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteI do agree with both posters above - especially the one line that starts with "Although her coach is well aware..."
ReplyDeleteI do like the dichotomy of someone that has excelled for so long, yet still feels the nerves and lack of confidence in herself. If the story continues, I think that is something a lot of the readers would like to have explored.
I'll start with an "I agree" -- you've touched on both external and internal here, giving us a strong sense of Sam's character. My suggestion: keep us in the moment longer. You begin with Sam in action, getting ready for a race -- but we quickly get into flashback. If you go with this story idea, you'll have a lot more room to reveal backstory -- so you'll be able to slip it in more gradually. Get us engaged -- get us interested in this person and what's happening right now -- then fill us in on the details of her life as needed.
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